Every day, I am reminded of the amazing powers I have that no one else in my home shares.

Wait, I’m lying. I had one member of the household who inherited my powers, but then he moved away to college and left me alone with the others, who are mere humans, and clearly didn’t get infused with whatever magical energy I have that allows me to perform these superhuman feats. Want to know what they are? I can…

Replace a toilet paper roll

Where others are only capable of putting a new roll on the counter next to the sink, I have the ability to remove the old roll, throw it in the recycle bin, and replace it, putting the new one in the exact same spot as the last one, right on the spindle. It’s incredible, isn’t it?

 Avoid the time lag between unwrapping something and pitching the wrapper

I don’t know if it’s some kind of black hole or interstellar phenomenon, but the others in my house remove wrappers and then must let the wrapper sit for a few hours, minimum, before disposing of it. Maybe it’s hot to the touch? I am mysteriously able to take a wrapper off something and get rid of it immediately. It’s as if it was never there.

Understand the complex meaning of “ALL the dishes”

We try to share the responsibilities here, so when one of us makes dinner, the other one cleans up. But the other adult in my household (no names!) seems to run out of resources just before the task is done. “It’s all cleaned up!” I hear, which is my signal to wait five minutes, then walk in and use my superspecial detection powers to find more unwashed dishes on the counter… and then, to really flex my magical muscles, WIPE the counter. I know, it’s amazing.

Identify garbage sooner

This really is a superpower. When the mail comes, and mixed amongst the real stuff there are assorted leaflets, pamphlets, promotional cards and the like, I can actually tell what it is RIGHT AWAY. I don’t need it to sit on the table for days for it to slowly reveal its inherent worthlessness; I can recognize it instantly.

This includes even complex items like fraying toothbrushes, used light bulbs, and clothing tags.

Comprehend and interpret quantity

Without special sensors, I can look at a bottle, box, or container of any kind and determine with little more than glance if the substance inside is running low. Not only that, I often have the prescient ability to acquire more of said substance before we completely run out of it, all without complicated calculations of usage, time, and surprise circumstances. I specialize in milk and shampoo. 

I love my family dearly, but my superpowers did not make their way to my youngest, nor did my husband pick them up by osmosis. They seem resistant to my teachings, but I have one other power left: I never give up.

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About Laurie Ulster

A transplanted Canadian living in New York, Laurie Ulster is a freelance writer and a TV producer who somehow survived her very confusing adolescence as the lone female Star Trek fan in middle school. She writes about pop culture, lifestyle topics, feminism, food, and other topics for print, digital, podcasts, and TV.

View all posts by Laurie Ulster