Girl, you should have ditched that pumpkin latte the day after Thanksgiving. I know the pandemic has made the whole changing of seasons thing a little more confusing as we are all trapped in our own version of Groundhog Day, but don’t worry. You’re basic, so you can get right back on track easily. Need a reminder of what that looks like during the holidays? No problem!

10,000 Calorie Hot Drinks

That’s right, toss that pumpkin spice aside, and now you have choices! Peppermint lattes, gingerbread lattes, salted caramel-marshmallow-snickerdoodle-gingerbread-cookie dough-chocolate latte? Why not? It’s the holidays, hit your local Starbucks and pay a quarter of your salary for two days worth of calories in a cup. 

Alas, there is no controversy swirling around the company’s holiday cups this year, so how will people know you read the news and are ready to criticize them for not being PC enough, or being too PC, whichever way you lean, the point is YOU are on the cutting edge of what’s right.

Holiday Activities (Pandemic Style)

You know you have already binged 48 hours and three years worth of Hallmark movies. I see you girl. You have a soft spot for a small-town girl who left for the big city only to realize she works too much and yearns for the down to earth atmosphere she grew up with… you want that girl to go home and fall in love. Don’t worry, she will. There is a hot, widowed dad waiting for her to create an instant family with her after knowing each other for six days. Because what could go wrong with that?

Go ahead and watch another 413 hours, because you have no place to go. Don’t worry, you already know the plot so you will have time to glance out your window and take note of which neighbors seem to be violating pandemic guidelines for staying home. You can also make sure no one is violating HOA regulations with their lawn decorations. It’s up to you to keep it classy, right?

The Baking

You are at home a little more, so this year you are going to bake all the cookies. But you care about your family so you have substituted every possibly unhealthy ingredient for flaxseed, wheat germ, and sprouts. Make sure those dairy-free, gluten-free, sugar-free, fat-free delights look perfect so you can put them on your Insta. Just don’t forget to hide the box of store box snickerdoodles you’ve been scarfing down while baking those healthy treats.

The Décor

We trust you have already shoved all those whimsical leaves right back into storage. Time to bust out every shred of greenery that has ever crossed your path. And in case your family doesn’t know what time of year it is, you should probably go out and by a few old timey wooden signs that say things like Noel, Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, and Celebrate. If they don’t read it on a fancy painted sign, how will they know what’s happening?

The Gifts

Normally you’d be leading the PTA charge to show you did the most creative Pinterest-worthy homemade gifts for the teachers, but this year you don’t know how to deliver them since school is virtual. Oh well, buy four cases of canned wine and post pictures of how you think it’s what the teachers need after dealing with this pandemic all year, then secretly drink it all after you tuck the kids in… who will know?

The Pajamas

You are the queen of basic, so I really shouldn’t have to remind you about this. If you haven’t already forced your entire family, including pets, into matching pajamas are you even celebrating the holidays? Don those zany reindeer outfits and make sure you get a totally natural picture of your whole brood casually lounging in matching sleepwear in front of the fireplace, because that’s just how you roll.

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About Laura Keyes Ellsworth

Laura has been writing and editing for more than 25 years, a fact which more than a source of pride, sends her running to the wrinkle cream aisle of CVS. She has worked for CNN, CNBC, Bloomberg, The Economist Intelligence Unit, and CBS radio. She has three children, and you will either find her thoroughly enjoying their company or yelling at them to clean up after themselves and turn off the lights.

View all posts by Laura Keyes Ellsworth

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