Okay, all this self-isolation threw a wrench in your plans for spring garden parties and that trip to a yogi retreat to find your bliss, but girl, you still got this! You have used the hashtag #FlatteningTheCurve and #QuarantineLife so many times that if you printed your posts out, the sheer weight of the paper would smash that curve. But don’t worry girl, there’s so much more you can be doing so let’s get back to basics.

Food Matters

You have baked your own bread thirty times. Yes, half the loaves tasted like cardboard but they looked oh so good on Instagram, what does it matter? But girl, that was so yesterday. It’s warm outside and people are venturing out, it’s time to complain about the amount of carbs you are eating and complain a lot. You know you haven’t eaten anything but salad in two weeks, but make sure the public thinks you are struggling with your carb addiction. Then post pictures of that salad and announce you are fixing the situation. Make sure to note you are supporting local, organic farmers with the produce in that salad even though we both know you are buying your groceries at Walmart.

Dress the Part

Yoga Pants? Duh too easy. You need to up your game, girl, there is a deadly, invisible virus out there! This calls for putting on your chicest jeans, best top and a face full of makeup to announce you will not succumb to fashion slacking just because there aren’t many places to go. Don’t forget your mask. You’ll need five to ten different masks to match a variety of outfits, and make sure one of those suckers is bedazzled. That’s right, you don’t just wear a mask, you wear it better than anyone.


You’ve ruined several masks already because you keep forgetting not to put on a full mouth full of lipstick, haven’t you? How will we know that if you don’t post about it? C’mon girl, get with the program. Also, watch 5,398 videos on eye makeup because that’s the only thing people are actually going to see over that mask.


It’s the moment you’ve been waiting for, those basic bitches at the PTA have never seen schedule making abilities like yours, and now’s your chance because they are all so bored at home they may actually look at the stuff you are posting on social media. Take a couple of whimsical photos of your family smiling and working with the five different color-coded schedules for homeschooling, recreation, fitness, cleaning and family time clearly visible. Post about how well it’s going before you go hide in the bathtub with a straw and a box of wine for the third time this week.

I Spy with My Little Eye

Your neighbors are doing what? Make sure you keep an eye on them. Were those fifteen people at their backyard barbeque really all family members? Were they sitting far enough apart? You know it’s not cool to spy on neighbors, but you are the head of the HOA, so it’s sort of like your duty, right? If you think they are doing this whole COVID lifestyle thing wrong, you should educate them, who wouldn’t find that helpful?

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About Laura Keyes Ellsworth

Laura has been writing and editing for more than 25 years, a fact which more than a source of pride, sends her running to the wrinkle cream aisle of CVS. She has worked for CNN, CNBC, Bloomberg, The Economist Intelligence Unit, and CBS radio. She has three children, and you will either find her thoroughly enjoying their company or yelling at them to clean up after themselves and turn off the lights.

View all posts by Laura Keyes Ellsworth

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